


(Not) Okay

by Mierke



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alyssa Greene Comes Out, Canon-Typical Homophobia, F/F, Religion, and yes I keep writing her coming out, some Emma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:01:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24094006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mierke/pseuds/Mierke
Summary: Canon-Divergence. After Emma breaks up with Alyssa, Alyssa realizes something needs to change. She needs to do something.
Relationships: Alyssa Greene/Emma Nolan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 71





	(Not) Okay

_"I am not okay."_

Alyssa whispered the words softly, needing to say it out loud, but also needing her mom not to hear her. She was hurting, all over, as if she had ingested some kind of poison that was slowly eating its way through her veins. She desperately needed someone to talk to, but the one person she could have told anything wasn't hers to talk to anymore.

_I believe you have feelings for me, but I can't do this anymore._

Emma's words had been echoing through her head for so long that by now they had lost most of their meaning. Only the raw scraping of it against her heart still remained, as if to remind her of what she had done. All her life, Alyssa had tried to be the good girl, had tried to be perfect. Emma had been the one to show her she didn't have to try so hard, that who she was, was worthy of love all in itself.

She had thought she could do it all, she had needed to do it all, because her mom depended on her, and how could she let her down? It had been just the two of them for so long; going against her wishes felt like betraying her. She had always known she wasn't strong, not strong like Emma, who boldly stood for who she was, who asked her to prom, who stood up to her parents and went to live with her grandmother because she knew she deserved _more_. Alyssa had never thought she deserved more. She had hardly ever thought she deserved anything.

_"I am not okay."_

The tears started falling, the droplets smudging up the homework she was supposedly making, just to have an excuse to send her mom away if she poked her head around the door. It wasn't as if Alyssa was in a place where her mind was working clearly enough to help her through chemistry.

She had prayed for so long for these feelings to go away, just like she had been taught. She had done everything right, had ignored her attraction to girls, had convinced herself a boy would come along to sweep her off her feet, one she could see herself sharing her life with, had buried every urge to kiss a girl so deeply that she had almost - almost - forgotten it was there.

And then Emma came along. Emma, who confessed one late night watching Xena reruns that she liked girls. Someone saying it out loud, someone not her, someone who didn't seem to think it a sin or a struggle or a shameful thing, someone who thought love was love was love no matter who it was with, had shocked Alyssa to the core and in the shockwaves her own secret had come stumbling out.

She had wanted to take her words back the moment she had said them, had attempted to laugh it off, to brush it away, but Emma would have none of it, had just told her over and over again that it was okay, that she was okay. That Emma would keep her secret if Alyssa wanted her to, but that she had nothing to be ashamed of. That the bible wasn't as cut and dry as the church would have her believe, that she wasn't a disappointment to everything her mother had worked for. That she was okay.

_"I am not okay."_

By now Alyssa had abandoned her homework altogether, curling up on her bed as if that could somehow ease her pain. Her silent tears had grown into full-blown sobs, and, despite herself, she desperately wanted her mother to come in and give her a hug. She knew that was stupid. She didn't even know what excuses she'd give if her mother did come in and ask her what was wrong. She just wanted to hide away in her mother's arms and believe things would be okay again, like she had done as a child when she had fallen off the balancing beam in the local playground.

She was just as disoriented now as she had been back then, her balancing act between her mom and Emma, between pleasing her mom and being herself, finally ruined. And when she had to make the choice to jump off, she'd jumped straight into her mother's arms.

There had been no good choice, but maybe that had been the wrong one anyway.

* * *

Alyssa stood in the corridor of the motel, the faded brown walls doing nothing to soothe her nerves. What was she doing? Was this really what she wanted? Maybe she should just go, turn around and-

The door to the room opened, and Dee Dee and Angie came spilling out. Dee Dee looked her over.

"Aren't you Emma's ex-girlfriend?" she said in clear dismissal, and Alyssa felt herself shrinking. But the thing was, she had never heard herself being referred to as Emma's girlfriend before. Of course, she and Emma had exchanged those words, but that had been different, and it was weirdly exhilarating to be called someone's girlfriend, even with the 'ex' in front of it. It made her all the more sure of what she was doing, so she steeled her spine ("You're a Greene, Alyssa, always stand straight") and looked Dee Dee in the eye.

"I am," she said. "I messed up. I should have had her back, and instead I ran scared. My mother… None of this has been easy for me, but I stupidly didn't realize losing Emma would be the hardest thing of all until it happened."

Barry stuck his head out from the next room over.

"You want to get her back."

It wasn't a question, but Alyssa answered anyway.

"Yes," she said. "Nothing would make me happier."

"Are you sure?" Angie asked. "None of the issues that had you scared before have changed. You're still gay. Emma's still a girl. Your mom is still the woman who had such a meltdown when this all happened that she humiliated Emma so badly it almost crushed her spirit."

"I truly didn't know that part!" Alyssa said. She looked between the three people standing before her, all with sceptical looks on her faces, and she understood; they were Emma's, not hers, but she needed to get through to them. "I only realised mom had planned something when I was getting ready to go to prom and she started this whole speech about people messing with the PTA and getting in her way and how I'd get the prom I deserved. _'Like a normal girl'_."

Angie and Barry shared a look, but Alyssa wasn't sure whether it meant 'We understand what she's going through, don't we?' or 'What do you think the best method of dismembering this monster is?'. Both seemed equally likely at this point, though she probably deserved the latter more.

"I should have left that prom the moment I found out, but I couldn't," she whispered. "I was so scared. I think momma suspected something, and that's why she didn't tell me anything beforehand and why she didn't let me out of her sight that night. It was one thing to come out at prom with Emma by my side, have her at my back, but to do it on my own? I just wasn't that strong."

"Well, you're not on your own now," Barry said, and he put his arm around her shoulder and steered her into his room. "Let's talk about this someplace a little more comfortable. If there's something we Broadway people know, it's a grand gesture. And if there's ever been a time for a grand gesture, it's now."

* * *

Alyssa took a deep breath and knocked on the principal's door.

"Come in!" The kind face of Mr. Hawkins looked up as Alyssa entered his office. "Alyssa, what can I do for you today?"

"I think it's time our school got an LGBT group," she said and she smiled as she heard herself say those words. She had thought this would be more difficult, but it mostly felt like relief to finally be doing something. Of course, the hardest part was still ahead of her, but she had to take the small wins where she could get them. "We messed up, big time, with prom and everything that's been going on. I think it's time our school learns that people are people no matter who they love."

Mr. Hawkins put the files down he had still been holding on to and looked her in the eye. "That's a great idea. However, as you know, the PTA has to sign off on each new group. Are you sure you are willing to take on that fight?"

Alyssa trembled a little, but her heart was sure. "Yes, I am. I have looked through the rules extensively. I need three members, approval from the PTA and a teacher to sign off on it. I was hoping that you would be that teacher?"

"Of course I would." He got up from his desk, took out a club petition from his file cabinet and signed it before handing it over to Alyssa. "Here is the form you need."

"For what it's worth, Alyssa," he added, as Alyssa made to leave the room, form clutched in her hand, "I think you're doing a very brave thing."

Alyssa smiled but didn't reply. Her heart beat out of her chest as she left the office and she fumbled to get the form deep into her backpack before anyone saw. She didn't feel very brave. She felt like any moment her fear could take over and change her mind.

She could hardly focus on her classes the rest of the day. She wasn't sure yet how to find that third student, but she knew that if she'd get the PTA's approval first, she'd find someone willing to sign on. She just hoped Emma would want to participate after everything that Alyssa and the school had done to her.

* * *

"Mom?" Alyssa walked down the stairs with trepidation, fighting the urge to flee that got louder the closer she got to the living room. "Can we talk for a sec?"

"Of course, Alyssa." Her mother put down the book she was reading and patted the couch next to her. Alyssa chose to pretend she hadn't seen that; she just knew that if she got too close to her mother, she would get too scared and back out.

"I was thinking we need a new student club," she said. "I'm getting a little bored with my extracurriculars, and I think leading a club would look good on my college application."

Her mom was nodding along. "And you hope that I can sway the PTA's vote in your favour?"

"I know it's a lot to ask," she said. "And you can't play favourites, of course. But well, you _are_ the PTA, so I figured it couldn't hurt to get you on my side first?"

Her mother chuckled. "I think you're being very smart. So, what will this new club be?"

This was it. This was the moment where everything would change. Was she really ready to take on this fight? The trembling piece of paper in her hand seemed to symbolise something so much heavier. This would be the last time her mother looked at her with this open and accepting attitude. Handing it over, making this real, would cut their bond as surely as dropping out of school. Was this really what she wanted?

_I believe you have feelings for me, but I can't do this anymore._

Emma's words echoed in her head, and Alyssa took a deep breath. She handed the piece of paper to her mother and watched as the world seemed to crawl down to slow motion as her mother read through the form.

"Rainbow Connection?" Her wrinkled brow was the first sign of her mother's displeasure, and as she read on the smile she'd had for Alyssa when she thought she was being a smart and proactive student was replaced by a deep frown of disappointment.

Before her mother could say anything, Alyssa launched into her prepared speech. "Rainbow Connection will be a group where everyone who either falls outside the lines of straight and cis, or who wants to explore more of the world beyond of what we've seen so far in Edgewater, can find a community and the information they seek. There are more students like Emma, and this will be a safe place for them. What happened with prom, both the initial cancellation and the subsequent fake prom, was the kind of bullying that this club will try to prevent. You don't have to agree with other people to treat them like human beings. _Love your neighbor as yourself_ , is what the church has taught us. I propose we put those words into action."

"I know you think there is something wrong with us," she continued. "But I beg you to at least consider this. We are taught that God, above all, is love. Then how can anyone think loving could be a sin?"

Her mother didn't say anything, just stared at the paper in her hand as if it could somehow tell her what to do. It felt like a victory to Alyssa, albeit a small one. But the fact that she hadn't just dismissed her out of hand, that she was thinking it over instead of ripping up the form, meant that there was a possibility that Alyssa could get through to her. She made to leave for bed, leave her mom to think it over, but just before she left the room, her mother asked, her voice so low Alyssa almost didn't hear her: "Us?"

Alyssa slowly turned around. "Huh?"

"You said 'us'," her mother repeated, a little louder this time. "Why did you say that?"

It had slipped out; she hadn't meant to put everything on her mom's plate at once. But maybe it was the only way this would work, if her mother had an important reason to open up her mind and heart, maybe she would. Maybe this time, she would listen to what Alyssa had to say.

"I think you've known for a long time, mom," she said softly. Her mother looked up and Alyssa could see tears in her eyes. Her heart clenched, her muscles hurt; everything in her body was screaming at her to please stop, because she was going to irrevocably damage everything, but she knew that the hurt she'd cause her mother was nothing compared to how much it would keep hurting if she kept quiet. "I'm gay."

She didn't wait for her mother's response; instead, she fled the room and almost ran to her bedroom, closing the door and hiding under the covers as if that would somehow protect her from the fallout. Eventually, she fell asleep like that, the emotional exhaustion of the day catching up with her and hiding her from the world.

* * *

In the days that followed her mom pretended nothing had happened. No mention was made of the form, or the club, or Alyssa's admission; instead, everything was as it had always been. It was disconcerting, but it wasn't like Alyssa hadn't expected it. Pretending it wasn't there had always been her mother's favourite habit of coping with the ugly truths of life. Even when Alyssa's father had left, her mom had gotten up the next day as if nothing was wrong, as if he had just popped out to the store and would come back any minute.

Maybe it made her just as cowardly, but for now, Alyssa was content to let her be. Losing Emma and coming out to her mom had taken a lot of out of her, and it felt nice to have a couple of days of respite. She knew that if she wanted to win Emma back - and by stars, did she want to - she'd have to confront her mom eventually, but it would keep for a while.

In the meantime, she had to figure out which students might be willing and able to admit to being anything other than cis and straight. While she wanted to count on Emma, she knew she couldn't; she had also come to realise she'd want this club with or without Emma, even if everything had started as a way to get her back. She of all people knew how important it was to get support when the world was against you, and if anything, the last couple of days had only made that more clear.

But how could she figure out which people to ask without outing anyone?

"I'm not sure I thought this through," she admitted to Barry and Trent. She wasn't quite sure what they were still doing in town, but she was grateful. "How am I ever going to get three people to sign up for this thing?"

"You need some kind of anonymous survey," Trent mused. "I'm sure what Emma did made people afraid, but it also made more people confront their own sexualities."

"You could fake a state-wide survey, and ask people how they identify, whether there's an LGBT club in their school, and whether they'd be willing to join if there was one," Barry offered.

"That sounds like a huge breach of trust," Alyssa said. "I'm not going to bluff or fake my way into this. I want to do this without any subterfuge. The whole point is that it's time to stop hiding!"

She was a little out of breath when she finished talking, and Barry looked on admiringly.

"You know," he said. "There's really only one way to go from here."

"There is?"

"Stop hiding," Barry said with a smile.

"Come out as publicly as possible," Trent added. "And then call upon others to join your club. You're a cheerleader, right? So you're popular."

"Kinda," Alyssa mumbled. "Not sure I'm popular enough to survive this."

"Well, you don't really need to be," Barry said. "Your reputation can take a hit. All you need to do is get the word out to the right people that queer people exist, and that you're willing to fight for them. Believe me, there will be people who will rejoice and join you as soon as they hear."

Alyssa swallowed. "Then that's what I'll do."

* * *

Alyssa thought long and hard as to what would be the best way to come out, but in the end, all her vague ideas amounted to nothing. It was in a crowded hallway, when Kaylee all but shoved Emma into her locker for even daring to look her way, that something in Alyssa just... snapped.

"Have you really not had enough yet?" she asked. "Where in the bible does it say to bully the people who are different? Because I've always thought that God taught us the exact opposite. I can't believe you still, after everything, after that stupid fake prom, you still think Emma somehow hasn't been punished enough for something she can't even do anything about."

She vaguely registered that Emma looked at her with big, wide eyes, and that a lot of students who had been getting ready for class had halted in their tracks.

"What, you're on her side now?" Kaylee looked at her with disdain, and Alyssa took a deep breath. This was it. This was the moment where everything would shift.

_I'm ready_ , she thought, and what she said was: "I've always been on her side. I'm gay, Kaylee."

"You're gay?" Kaylee said. "I know you've got a thing for underdogs and all, Alyssa, but you don't need to pretend to be on their side. Sometimes it's okay to know better."

But despite her bravado, she took a step back, as if she was afraid Alyssa's homosexuality was somehow catching. It was Shelby who looked from her to Alyssa and back and said: "I don't think she is bluffing. Are you?"

Alyssa shook her head, so very conscious of her audience. "I'm gay," she repeated. "And I am sick of hiding. Being gay doesn't mean anything but that I fall in love with women. It doesn't make me a bad person. Or an atheist. Or someone who's doomed to go to hell. I haven't changed a bit; I'm still me. I've always been gay, and always will be."

She took out the form for Rainbow Connection and pinned it to the bulletin board. Her hand was shaking a little, and it took her a couple of times before it hung.

"I'm starting an LGBT club. Anyone who's interested, anyone who falls outside of the rigid box of straight and cis, is welcome to join. Or even if you just want to show your support or know more about it. You can either sign up on the form or send me an e-mail to the address that's listed on it." Her voice was getting stronger now she'd gotten to the part she had rehearsed in her head a couple of times. "I won't stand for anymore bullying. I won't stand for people hiding behind their Christianity to defend their behaviour. I believe in Love your neighbour as yourself and that's the message we will spread."

She looked at the throng of people who were still surrounding her. Her eyes caught Emma's, and for a second there, her heart caught in her throat. She risked a small smile, and to her surprise, Emma smiled back at her. It wasn't a declaration of undying love, and Emma left immediately after, but Alyssa still felt lighter than she had in weeks.

"If you'll excuse me," she said to the other students. "I need to get to chemistry."

* * *

"Alyssa Greene." Her mother stalked into her room without knocking and Alyssa turned away from the homework she'd been working at.

"Yes, mother?"

Her mother waved a piece of paper in her face, as if Alyssa should be able to recognize it by the dizzying speed it was flashing before her eyes. "What is the meaning of this?"

She grabbed the form out of her mother's hand (how did she even get this? She definitely did have spies all over the school), delighted to find that five people had signed up for Rainbow Connection. Well, make that four, since she was pretty sure "Ellen Page" wasn't actually a student at her school. She smiled; did whoever signed her up really think that Alyssa would somehow be offended by the comparison? She could only hope to be as awesome as Ellen Page!

"This, mother," she said. "Are the students who want to join Rainbow Connection."

"I haven't given my permission for this yet." Her mother snatched the paper back, looking over the names as if she was planning on personally intimidating them to take back their interest. "No one has listed their identity."

"I didn't think that was necessary," Alyssa said. "Rainbow Connection will be for anyone who's interested. I don't care if you're bi or trans or asexual or don't even know yet how you identify. Even if you're straight and cis and all you want is to show your support or find out how to support someone close to you, that's fine by me. I'm not some kind of queer police."

Her mother sagged onto the bed, her face fallen. "You've really thought this through."

"Yes, mother." Alyssa stood up from her desk chair and sat down next to her mom. "I know you want to believe this is just a phase, or that I'm just rebelling against you, but this is my reality, mom. Gay is who I am."

She took a deep breath, finally ready to come clean about the whole truth. " _I_ was supposed to be Emma's date."

Her mother's head snapped up. There was so much hurt in her eyes, and Alyssa couldn't tell if it was because of what she was saying, or because her mom was realizing that everything she had put Emma through, she had put her own daughter through.

"We were together for over a year, but I was too scared to be there for her when she needed me, and eventually the strain it put on our relationship was too big to withstand." Alyssa tapped the paper in her mother's hand. "This is me trying to prevent anyone else from that pain. Love is difficult, and being different in Edgewater isn't exactly a walk in the park either."

"I don't know what to say." Her mother looked so lost, but Alyssa forced herself to stay still. This was one thing where she wouldn't bend to her mother's will, would not change herself just to be the perfect daughter. Her mother left without saying anything else, and Alyssa let herself fall down onto the bed.

She had no idea where that would go from here, but she hoped beyond hope that maybe it was possible to get through to her mother. She could have kicked her out, sent her to live with her dad, and she hadn't yet. Surely, that was a good sign? Maybe it would just take her a while to wrap her head around it. After all, it had taken Alyssa a good long while as well. She could hardly fault her mother for being shaken when the very foundation upon which she'd built her life was crumbling.

Emma hadn't signed up, though. And no, this wasn't about Emma, not entirely, but it also kinda was. And after that smile they shared, Alyssa had hoped... But apparently they weren't there, yet. And that's okay, she told herself firmly. There'd be plenty of time to show Emma that she had changed, that she'd never push her back into hiding again, that from this point on she was proud to be gay.

* * *

It was a couple of weeks later that she came downstairs on a Saturday morning to find her mother already gone, but a piece of paper was sitting on the table next to her breakfast plate. Her mother hadn't added a note or anything - openly sharing emotions wasn't something you did, after all - but there was a shiny new signature on the line for the PTA approval. Alyssa had known that the night before had been a PTA meeting, but she hadn't dared hope...

Tears started forming in her eyes, and she hastily retreated, not wanting to risk ruining the paper and having to go through all of this again. For a moment she just stood against the kitchen wall, anxiety and gratitude and love and sheer relief all tumbling around each other in her head and she couldn't breathe. All she could do was let the tears fall and let the wall support her as she considered what she'd done, what she'd be doing, how she'd changed her life around with one decision.

All she wanted to do was call Emma and tell her. The thought came unbidden in her head and cut off the already short supply of oxygen she was getting. She crumbled, crouching against the wall as she tried to get herself under control. Her hands searched for her phone, looked through her contacts, clicked on Emma's name, almost of their own accord. She still wasn't breathing exactly when Emma picked up.

"Hello?"

"Emma," Alyssa got out, then choked on the tears that were still falling.

"Are you okay?" It had been so long since she'd heard Emma's voice like this, since she'd been able to wrap herself up in the tones of the one she loved. It was too much and not enough and Alyssa didn't know how she'd ever thought that pleasing her mother was more important than this.

"I did it," she whispered. "I came out. I'm starting Rainbow Connection. I got mom's signature. And the only one I wanted to call, the only one I wanted to celebrate with, was you. I know you probably still don't want to see me and I understand that, but I needed you to know."

"Hold that thought." Emma hung up without saying anything else, and Alyssa released the hold she had on her knees, slowly sliding against the wall until she was sitting against it, the cool tiles underneath her legs. She should probably eat something and she would, just... not yet. It still felt so surreal, as if she could wake up any minute.

She had no idea how long she'd been sitting like that when the doorbell rang. Not daring to hope, Alyssa still managed to look in the mirror and smooth her hair down in some semblance of normality before she opened the door.

Emma stood on her doorstep. Alyssa's brain short-circuited and she almost closed the door, so convinced was she that she was hallucinating.

"I brought celebratory breakfast pastries," Emma said, holding up the box in her hands.

"You're really here." Alyssa's voice still didn't come above a whisper, but it was okay, because Emma heard her loud and clear.

"I'm really here," she said. Then she put the box down and crossed the last few steps that separated her from Alyssa.

She was so close Alyssa could smell the scents of baked goods on Emma's clothes and she shakily inhaled.

"You're really here?" A question this time, because Alyssa's brain still couldn't catch up, couldn't quite believe this was happening.

"I'm really here," Emma repeated, no hint of annoyance in her voice, just an endless amount of patience as she looked at Alyssa. "I missed you."

Alyssa's hand snaked around Emma's waist before Alyssa was even aware she was doing anything, and she shook a little as she pressed the girl closer, their noses almost touching. Emma's hands lightly rested on her waist.

"You have no idea how much I missed you," Alyssa answered. "I can't believe you're here."

"I can't believe you came out," Emma volleyed back. "You were so very, very brave. You saw how everybody had treated me, and instead of shrinking back, you decided no more."

Emma put a hand over Alyssa's heart, and Alyssa could have sworn it gave an extra thump in greeting. 

"Your heart," Emma continued. "Is so beautiful. I am so grateful I ever got a place in it. Do you think there's still room for me in there?"

Alyssa blinked away the tears as she put a hand over Emma's and bowed her head a little so their foreheads touched. 

"You never left," she whispered, and then they were kissing.

They were kissing, and somehow it felt like more than all the kisses they'd shared before, the final wall between them crumbled to dust. And when Emma set foot in Alyssa's home – something she'd never been able to do before – breakfast pastries in hand and a smile on her face, for the first time in a long, long while, Alyssa knew that she was okay.


End file.
